The Red Map

It is striking again,
That sinking feeling in the gut
And I am looking around,
Searching for that one memory,
Among numerous others,
that could possibly come back,
To haunt me this time.

As I open my old diaries, it all hite me harder,
Those shaking letters on the page,
The tears erasing the shadow of the words,
And the ink sliding down the border;
Thay would have otherwise
Secretly celebrated
my smile in the parallel universe,
Knowing that,
It took me every last bit of courage
That I had, to carve my lips.

Forming a conflict between what to feel and what to show.
 And as I turn the last page
 With a lamp on the side
 Illuminating the engraving of the words, that I had,
Left incomplete on the previous one.

Red colour trickles down my wrist,
Making its way,
Carefully not to mess.

With the last words that I've left
For the world ro read,
Forming a map
That leads straight through the path,
To a secret that lies buried deep in a pit.

Only to be deciphered by those
Who follow the directions,
And end up
With the red colour trickling down my wrist.

❤❤❤❤

Let's Talk.

I don’t know if this a right time for this ... I don’t know if there ever will be a right time, but I’m doing it.

I am going to talk about Mental health, Anxiety and depression, so if you think this is worth reading, continue to read or if you think I you have the patience to read long blogs/articles, keep reading otherwise this is just another article on mental health that you skip after reading the title.

…

Although we humans have a tendency of calling every metal health problem as “Pagalpan” or “Madness”, and thus we are so ignorant about the severity and outcomes of it.

In this particular post, I’ll just talk to you guys about Depression and Anxiety. Not because it not talked by thousands of people already, internet pe dekho hazaro articles mil jayengey iss topic pe, I want to talk about it, because I want to, and I personally feel the need to talk about it.

..

Aaj dopeher kareeb dhai teen baje, I got a message, a link of a newspaper article titled “Bollywood Actor commits suicide” ...!!
..
You know what was the first thing that came in my mind?

It wasn’t pain or grief, bura to mujhe kuch second baad laga,

but the first thought, the very first feeling I had when I read that article was how big of a failure I was who could not help my best friend when he was going through depression and his face flashed in front of my eyes, the last sight of him that I had before they took him for his last rites.

..
Ye log jo depressed hote hai, jo anxious hote hai, ye kale kapdo mein aur rote dhote hue nahi ghumte. Ye hum aura ap jaise dikhte hai, humare saath baithtey hai, haste hai, baatein karte hai, ye itne ache actors hote hai ki ye kisi ko pata hi nahi lagne dete ki kuch hai jo inhe andar hi nadar khaaye jaa raha hai.

Depression ke symptoms alag logo mein alag hote hai aur ye jo aaj kal ke baceh likhte hai na “I’m depressed, wo chali gai/chala gaya”, aur haath kaat te hai, deewaro pe mukke marte hai, bete wo bus kuch waqt ki sadness hoti hai jo result hoti hai hormonal changes ka jo adolescence ke waqt body mein hote hai. Bahot common aur overused term bana diya hai ise, shayad isi liye iski importance abhi tak log samajh nahi paa rhe.

·        Depression is something which is not actually visible until you see something different in that person. Many times, people suffering from this state are not able to express their feelings and this makes it difficult for them to overcome depression.
·        Depression makes you isolate yourself from your loved ones, it will tell you that nothing is wrong with you and that you don’t need a professional or medicines, don’t listen it.
·        A person with any kind of depression may feel sleeplessness or sleepy, either way is not good for your health.
·        Depression may lead to frequent pain in the body, mostly in the head, neck, and back.
·        Depression is an open door to fatigue and you end up feeling exhausted.
·        A person suffering from depression may eat more or eat less, both affecting the body in a bad way. It’s a gradual process, when you truly care for someone, you’ll notice a change in their eating pattern. Don’t ignore the signs. Talk to them about the change, ask them what is making them eat less or more. Be observant towards your loved ones before it’s too late.
·        Lack of concentration and focus is a major side effect of chronic depression. Depression makes you lose interest in your hobbies and even in your work. Being focused is the most difficult task during such times. Do whatever it takes to be focused, ask for help if needed but don’t let depression make to take steps against your career. Take a break, blow-off some steam and get back to grind, sit only when it is finally the time to rest. A severely depressed person has high chances of getting addicted to harmful habits and inviting future health issues. Addiction is not a solution.

If you feel like not getting up in the morning , not eating, not talking to anyone sitting in the dark or even if any idea of self harm comes to your mind, just take a deep breath and first thing you do is accept that kuch galat ho raha hai jo nazar nahi aa  raha. (Faltu ke ego mein mat rehna😑).

Agar kabhi lage ki koi sun ne wala nahi, to write down your feelings, no matter what the thoughts may be, likho:

• Be honest and open about it when you write, apne aap se jhooth mat bolo, jo feel kar rahe ho likho,

• Enjoy the little things, kabhi aisa lage ki life mein kuch sahi nahi ho raha, andhera sa lage, to uss ek roshni ki kiran ko dhoondo, on eray of hope, remember, it is darkest before sunrise. Apni life agar sab galat ho raha hai, to uss ek achhi cheez pe focus karo jo tumhe khushi deti ho …… agar tumhe sajna-savarna pasand hai wo karo, likhna pasand hai likho, drawing pasand hai wo karo, jab koi na kar sake tab aap khud apne aap ko kush karne ki koshish karo.

• Exercise regularly. A session of half an hour to one hour of Yoga, Meditation and Pranayam is as important as taking medicines. Deep breathing exercises can help in regaining the lost focus and maintaining mental peace in difficult times like these. Early morning Yoga are the best way to keep your mind and body fresh and active. 

• Remember to laugh. When we laugh, there is an enzyme called ‘dopamine’ which is released in our brain, it really helps in fighting the darkenss inside, or so ai feel. Haso, muskurao, .. apne parivaar aur apne dosto ke saath baithe kar wo purae bunk ke kisse yad karo, cricket khetle waqt jo padosi  ki khidki todi thi wo pal yaad karo, wo xapna yad karo jo bachpan mein dekha tha wo jo tumhe haasil karna hai, ane aap ko himmat do, apni himmat bano.

• Feel it — let the emotions flow. The harder you supress it, the bigger jump it takes. Apne jazbaato ko mat dabao, unhe khjul ke bahar aane do. Dard hua ro lo khul kar, Khushi hui hass lo khul kar. Kuch hai jo samjh nahi aa raha, puchho kisi se, ask for medical assistance, ask for emotional assurance. Don’t let depression stop you from feeling free.

• Remember that nobody is alone in this never-ending battle. People around you, love you they care for you, all you have to do is open up to them, if they cannot help there is professional help available, there are helplines for it,  Sirf India ki baat kare to over 5 crore people are suffering from different forms of depressions. While some sadly decides to quit, be a fighter. I will quote myself here, a verse from one of my poems on the blog,

“I acted along,

I played my part;

Then took a moment to fight,

said "I'll fight them one more night"…!!”

..

I am not a medical professional and this article might not help you medicinally, but I tried to help who were silently looking for help. I just wanted to say, I am here for you, if you need to talk. They are there for you, everyone cares for you. Even if they don’t always show, they care and if you go talk to them, they will listen, we will listen, I will listen. Because the silent screams are more dreadful and if they take any horrific step, you will not be able to process that feeling for a long time.

So, LET’S TALK.

LET’S TALK BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.

Everything isn’t perfect now, but it gets better every day since the day you ask for help.

मैं और मेरा यार

आँखें गीली और भारी सर था,
सूखी साँसे और धुंधली सोच थी,
जब वो बहरूपिया आया...!!
.. 
मेरे जैसी पोषक में ढेर सारे सवाल वो लाया.!!!
.. 
जब पूछा मैंने उससे "आखिर कौन है तू ?"
वो बोलै "मैं दोस्त हु तेरा, भला मुझसे डरना क्यों ?"
.. 
वो बोलै,
"मैं जानता हु सारी अनकही बातें ,
तुम्हारी चाहे सच हो या झूठ,
मेरे ही साथ काटी है तुमने अपनी सूनी रातें,
क्या भूल गए तुम?"
.. 
तब पाँव कुछ कांपे,
और साँस फिर फूलने लगी, 
होंठों से जुबां जैसे सिल पड़ी,
तब मैं चीख़ी "कौन है तू?"
.. 
ऐसा लगा जैसे सब देख लिया उसने सीना चीर कर!!!
.. 
मैं  स्तब्ध खड़ी थी,
मैं दंग पड़ी थी,

जब "क्या कर रही हो आईने में देख कर खुद को ?" 
बोली माँ आकर कमरे में भीतर को.. !!!
.. 
उन्हें क्या बताती क्या कर रही थी मैं.... 
अपने ही आप से लड़ रही  मैं !!

Incomplete Farewell

Aristotle described deep friendship saying, “What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies”.

• Friendship is deep and powerful and amazing, but it is hard to really explain why.   If you have a close friend you just know what I mean.  No surprise, when a friend dies, like when a family member dies, we don’t “get over it”.  We learn to live with it.  It may get different, it may get easier, but it is always with us.

• You know that your friend is family, that you love them as deeply. Somehow talking about your bestie often doesn’t carry that same weight, despite the fact that your relationship with that friend may have been as, if not more, important.  This can feel especially crappy when a friend dies and those around you don’t give you the same support and validation that they would have had it been a family member.

And you think you’ll never have another friend like them..!! L

And you know what, this is true.  You will never have another friend exactly like the person you lost.  Your friendship was as unique as the two of you. We worry that if we start to feel ‘better’ it means we are forgetting that person or moving on.  With friendships, there can be a feeling that, if I let new friends in, I am forgetting or replacing the friend I lost.

Two year ago, I lost someone. A friend .. A best Friend .. A guardian .. A bond very close to my heart.

 What hurt me the most is, I did not get that last chance to say Good bye ... to bid adieu .. and to say how much I valued our friendship ..

...

Writing helps me pour out my feelings into words ..

So .. This is for you Nirmal ..

..

As I walked in the park, 

You roamed through my mind,

You, You crazy Best-Friend of mine...!!

..

I saw your face, 

As white as snow,

You were only young,

Too early to go..!!

..

As I walked in the park, 

I remembered it all,

how without any warning or sign,

You eloped into the divine.

..

I know your decision was painful to make, 

The thoughts in your head,

must have been painful to take.!!

..
As I walked in the park,

I thought about you a lot,

I pray you're at peace,

and all your pain is at ease..
Don't worry about my pain..
when the time comes,

I'll see you again.!!

..

..

And guys...don't wait for the right time to come, go, call your best friends, friends, sisters, cousins, parents .. those closer to your heart.. Call them .. Tell them how much they mean to you and that you'll always be there for them.. GO!!!

#restinpeacemyfriend😢💙